Submitted question #829:

Submitted question:

Hello princess! I have kind of a weird story/question. I recently bought a JSK from the sales comm. I was the first to comment on the post telling the seller I was PMing them and we ended up setting up the sale. A few minutes later another lolita commented on the same post asking if the dress was still available, but the seller told them that it was on hold. Then this other lolita - obviously realizing I’d bought the dress, since none of the other items had gone and I was the only other commenter - began to send me PMs asking me to drop the sale. When I said I wouldn’t they turned mean and started using bad language and slurs. I really don’t want to mention any names because I don’t want to stir up drama on the egl LJ, but I was wondering if you or any of your lovely followers have had similar experiences to this? It was only my fourth time buying from the sales comm and it’s made me nervous to buy again. Thanks!

Response from Lolita Tips:

That is ridiculous and I’m sorry you’re having to put up with that crap. Do you still have the messages she sent you? If so, take screen caps of the conversation and send them to the anonymous report center. That is clearly harassment and the mods should be able to deal with it. Don’t let that scare you from buying again though. You have every right to buy things there and the other commenter is just being immature.

Anonymous:
Can you be 100% frank with me? I want to get into lolita, but I am a boy with a rather deep voice. Is this something other lolitas will laugh at? I want to get into something that I can be comfortable with so please please be honest and let me know about any resistance I might meet from other lolitas over my sex. I am just really scared that when they hear me talk or if they look close and see that my jawline is a little darker that I will be rejected which is not really something I can handle.

It really depends on the people in your comm. As I’ve said for other situations, I like to think that since we know what it’s like to be judged Lolitas tend to be a little more open-minded than many people, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. There are a lot of male Lolitas out there so you’re definitely not alone, just do the best you can possibly do, know how to work with your body type, and learn all the ins and outs of the fashion just like any other Lolita would do when starting out. When you feel happy with what you’re wearing, maybe make an effort to be part of a community and if it doesn’t work out don’t let it keep you from doing what you love. You may have some Lolitas who laugh at you just because of the disconnect between your clothes and your voice, you may have some Lolitas who laugh at you because they feel like you “don’t fit-in,” but never feel like you’re the only person going through that because you’re not. Whether someone is male, female, or any other gender identity of lack-there-of there will always be mean people lurking in the comms ready to tear people down just because they feel like it.
Is it something that some other Lolitas will laugh at? Yes. Is it something that a lot of other Lolitas will laugh at? Probably not. Most Lolitas are pretty nice people contrary to popular belief, you might just have to dodge some bullets to get to them.

Anonymous:
I've been having problems with confidence in sweet lolita style. I'm sixteen and I feel as though I'm too old for things like pastels and sanrio stuff, even though I love them a lot, and that I look odd in them. Getting made fun of in school when I try to go even slightly sweet, plus the reaction a lot of lolitas have to it, saying it looks like ageplay and whatnot, really doesn't help :( I want to wear what I love, but I also want to be comfortable :( Any tips?

First of all, I am 20 years old. My bedroom walls are two shades of pink, I have a collection of My Little Pony toys, I get Hello Kitty and Disney Princess things all the time, and I wear Sweet Lolita (among other styles.) Trust me, 16 isn’t too old for cute things. 20 isn’t too old for cute things. 100 isn’t too old for cute things. If you like pastels and Sanrio stuff you wear those pastels and Sanrio stuff. Your age has nothing to do with it and just because you like “childish” things doesn’t make you childish. You can still be a fully grown adult who has adult responsibilities and handles things in adult ways and still like what you like.
Secondly, the number of Lolitas who say bad things about Sweet like that is very very small. You just hear about it the lot because it’s usually the same group of people trying to start drama, so it would be in everyone’s best interest to just ignore that all together. Sweet Lolita is hugely popular and there’s nothing stopping the people who already wear it. The people starting that stupid drama are just trying to get people to stop wearing it because they don’t like it and you can’t let petty people like that win.
So the problem that remains is just the assholes at school who can be hard to deal with. That’s where the confidence issue really comes in. How important are those people to you? Is that kid in the hall way who calls you “Little Bo Peep” worth your time? Does it really matter if the kid with his jeans around his knees thinks you look dumb? Probably not. If some dumb kid is making fun of you, remind yourself that he doesn’t mean crap to you in the long run. There are more important things in your life than what some high school kids think about the way you dress, and one of those things is wearing something that you love, not wearing what they want you to wear. Just keep reminding yourself of that and before you know it you’ll be able to easily block out anything that they say.

Argh, I just have to say this because of the previous anon, and all the age-play I hear about. Simply said, that's like saying because someone wears a fashionable collar that they're into BDSM, or that if I wear black I'm automatically into goth fashion. I personally don't care if someone is into it or not, but trying to group everyone in ageplay because of a cute fashion is idiotic and very judgemental. In no way am I into age play, I just like cute frilly dresses.

I agree 100%

Anonymous:
Do people who make fun of OTT Sweet as age-play know about age-play? It seems to be a term thrown around a lot when hating on OTT Sweet, but I've always felt confused by it. Do a lot of people in lolita actively participate in it? Is it considered bad for people to do so? For some people, "age play" may be a stress reliever and it just seems really negative in the lolita communities.

No, there aren’t a lot of Lolitas that I know of who are actually into age play and most of the “Ew! OTT Sweet is just ageplay!” kind of things you see are from people who 1. are more immature than any of the people they’re making fun of 2. are just hateful and sad people and 3. don’t really get what ageplay actually is. From my understanding, most people who are into age play keep it as a “behind closed doors” kind of thing and like you said, it’s a stress reliever for them. From what I’ve researched, there is more to ageplay than just the way someone dresses and while OTT Sweet does definitely have a childlike look, it’s in no way related. The people who choose to use ageplay as an insult are just ignorant.
There probably are some Lolitas who are ageplayers, and not necessarily even Sweet Lolitas. For all I know the classiest of Classic Lolitas could be into ageplay but knows that it’s not anyone else’s business but her own. But why the hell should that matter? I couldn’t care less what some stranger does in the privacy of their own home as long as they aren’t hurting anyone and that’s certainly not something to use as an insult, especially when your only reason to insult the person is “I don’t like Sweet Lolita.”

Anonymous:
Personal Opinion Time: Do you feel the current situation with Bodyline (especially the new developments with the video being taken down and the statement on Bodyline's website) and whatever comes of it will cause Bodyline-wearers to be ridiculed and shamed, like replica-wearers are sometimes?

I really don’t think it will have much more effect than any of their past drama, but maybe a little. People have known for years that Mr. Yan is a creepy weirdo and I personally think there are truths and lies on both sides of the story and I think both parties had things to do with the problems that unfolded. If you read the comments on the EGL post, I agree with tiferet. Mr. Yan does some weird stuff, Venus’ mom does some weird stuff (please don’t ask me about this because I don’t want to get too involved with the drama, you can read all about it around google) and the mixture of the two was just bound to be problematic. 
People have tried to boycott Bodyline in the past but it’s never really done anything and based on how I’ve seen things unfold in the past I don’t think Bodyline wearers are going to be ridiculed much more than they have been in the past, or if they are it won’t last terribly long. Bodyline is a lot like the Walmart of the Lolita world. They’re known for not being great to their employees but because they have decent quality for low prices and they’re easily accessible and because of these things people will continue to buy from them. 

This is all I really have to say on the subject and I would very much appreciate if I didn’t get any more messages about it. I prefer not to get too involved in the personal drama of others (even if it is plastered all over the internet it is still her personal drama). If anyone would like to comment on the subject please do so at the EGL link above.

Anonymous:
How do you feel about the cyber bullying that happens on BTB? What would you suggest to those who face the anonymous hate that they receive from the online comm? And if given the chance, would you help others to work to end it?

While I disapprove of the bullying that goes on there, I don’t think BtB is a bad community overall. Sometimes there are really funny posts that aren’t mean at all and sometimes people really do use it to vent rather than to bully people. I would say the vast majority of the bullying that goes on there is just made by trolls who want to make drama so a lot of it shouldn’t be taken seriously. My suggestion to anyone who doesn’t want to deal with the drama is just don’t go to BtB. A lot of it is drama and most of the funny posts I mentioned before end up on tumblr anyway so if there’s anything that’s actually worth seeing you’ll probably see it that way.
If you do go on BtB and find that someone posted something about you, don’t get too upset about it. I would say first to analyze it and ask yourself if it sounds like someone just trolling or if it actually sounds logical. If it’s something like “ur fat and stupid and shuld leave rori forever” then it’s obviously just something you should ignore. However, I think there are certain situations when you could learn from these situations. I have gotten messages before that people could classify as “hate” but instead of taking them as such I thought about them as critique and used it to better myself. For example, I’ve gotten messages here that have said things about me coming off as rude in some posts and while I never thought I was being rude, I can see how my bluntness could be taken as such so I’ve been trying to fix that and think harder about how I word things. (You can actually see some of these messages if you go back through my “personal” tag a bit.) Sometimes things that might come off just sounding like anonymous hate can actually be quite helpful.
Long story short though, if you don’t like drama, don’t bother with communities that are famous for drama such as BtB and if you do find that someone is talking about you, don’t get too upset about it. It’s just the internet and a lot of the time people just like to cause problems for fun.

Anonymous:
What are meet ups like? I imagined them as small (15 people at max) gatherings of really friendly people, and I was like "I would love to go to a meet up" but after reading BtB for a while and looking at meet up photos I'm not so sure... I don't have any friends I could go with and I'm scared I'll be lonely.

Don’t use BtB to try to gain an understanding of the Lolita community. I would say that at least half the posts there weekly are troll posts and even the truthful posts tend to represent a fairly small portion of the community as a whole.
That being said, meetups vary from comm to comm, but for the most part, if you’re polite and friendly and make an effort to introduce yourself to people things will go perfectly fine. Don’t be shy and don’t expect everyone to go out of their way to include you in everything. While many hosts will do what they can to include you, a lot of communities are made up of people who have known each other for quite some time and they may be distracted by talking to your friends, so you have to actually make the effort to include yourself, join in conversations, be friendly, etc.
All meetups are different unless you happen to have a community that just does the same tea party every week. I’ve only been to four formal meetups (well, maybe three because I didn’t really stay with the group very long for the last one) and each one has been different. Sometimes 15 people will show up, sometimes there will only be three. Sometimes everything will go perfectly as planned, and sometimes plans will change. The last meetup I actually stayed most of the time for we got bored with our original plan so we hopped in some cars and went to one girl’s house and ordered pizza (which resulted in an awesome chain of Lolitas at the door passing pizza and drinks to the kitchen when the delivery guy showed up).

Anonymous:
There are so many negative lolita blogs and communities to read! There's BtB, the b**tchbook, GetOff EGL, AngryLolita, etc! I keep seeing people mention more! I feel like there's more negative than positive! Are they listed anywhere? Is it worth reading them all? I'm soooo scared I'll mess up and get posted! What are they all for?

It’s not worth reading any of them really. If you don’t like drama, there’s no reason to read them, because that’s what they’re for. If you like drama, go ahead and read them. If you don’t like drama, don’t read them. It’s communities like those that are part of the reason I started this blog, because there are always people who are scared that they’ll mess up and get posted to one of the drama communities and I want to be here to help keep that from happening to as many people as I can.
But honestly, if you don’t want to read them, don’t read them. There’s no reason you have to.

Anonymous:
This is more of a social question, do you think its worth reading behind the bows? I'm afraid my bad co-ords will get posted there.

It’s only worth it if you like drama. It really contributes little to nothing to the community other than being an outlet to get things off your chest (the original purpose of Lolita Secrets) and causing drama for no particular reason (how it’s usually used.) If you don’t want to read it, there’s absolutely no reason you should.